One Moment Changes Everything

It's all a little blurry.

I was sitting on the porch, assuming the position when I got a text from my mom.

"Tom just collapsed at Panda Garden. Paramedics are taking him to St. Johns. I just got here. Waiting for them. Don't know if it was a stroke or diabetic coma????? Or what! Pretty scary."

I remember being worried but not feeling panicked yet.  Tom has been to the hospital before.  His diabetes is not in control, he doesn't have the best balance.  Poor guy.  I am sure they'll get things under control and he will go home later tonight.

For the next hour there was a flurry of communication.  Texts and phone calls.  With my sisters, my mom, my grandma...we were all trying to piece together parts of the story and sharing updates as we got them.  I felt helpless.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I couldn't imagine my mom sitting at the hospital alone waiting to for an update.  I was pacing the front yard unsure if I should stay here and wait or if I should get in the car and go.  Then Brian asked me, "If you were in your mom's shoes, what would you want?"  That's all I needed to hear.  Within minutes I was pulling out of the driveway on my way to the hospital.

I called my grandma on the way and asked if she wanted me to come and get her.  She had just gotten out of the shower and said that it wasn't necessary, she didn't feel like she needed to be there right now and she would see my mom tomorrow.  We hung up and within 2 minutes she called me back, "Come get me".

We pulled up and Jennie and Kristin were standing on the sidewalk outside of the ER talking to my mom.  She looked worried but more concerned that we were all being 'put out' by 'coming all this way'.  She was starving and seemed to be in shock.

We went into the family room and mom told us the whole story of how the night went. 

Tom was still unresponsive and the doctors are starting to use words like 'serious', 'life threatening damage' and 'nothing we can do'.

Turns out Tom had a stroke and they are not sensing any brain activity.

 Kyle, Amy, Tom's sister and cousin were all there too.  While talking to Kyle my heart was breaking listening to him replay and recall the moment it happened.  He describes how he could see the life leave from his eyes.  He couldn't grasp that he had just had his last interaction with his hero.

A chaplain came in and prayed with us and then they moved him up to the ICU.

The doctor came in to talk to mom, Kyle and Amy about the reality.  Tom is no longer there.  There is nothing they can do and it was time to discuss what was going to happen next.

Such a difficult decision and horrible ending to such a mundane day.

Kelly isn't able to make it until tomorrow night so they asked if they could wait until she made it home before they turned off any life saving measures.

How can this be?!

What's worse.  I don't remember my last interaction with Tom.  I don't really remember the last thing I said to him.  I'm sure it wasn't significant and would have ended the same it always does with a hug goodbye. 

How do I tell the girls?  How do I support my mom through this?

It's just all still so unreal.

While the chaplain was in the ER praying with us he mentioned that while going through this process there are really only four things you need to say.

 

1.  Thank you

2. I forgive you

3.  I love you

4.  Goodbye

Thank you Tom.  Thank you for taking care of my mom and for providing for her.  Thank you for being the company that she needed and for rescuing her during a time when none of us could.

I forgive you.  This should probably be more of a will you forgive me?  I haven't always been your biggest fan. Mainly because of the things you have said about my dad, sisters or the way you have behaved in your relationship with my mom.  I hope I was never mean to you because through it all, I have liked you.  You are a nice guy.  You are generous and do take care of those that you love.

I know we all weren't the most welcoming and didn't do the best job of showing you we actually did care about you.  I forgive you those things you said and the way you sometimes behaved.  I am sure a lot of it was just the way you had to react to the environment you were in.

I love you.  You were always so good to my kids.  I love you for taking care of my mom and giving her something she so desperately needed.  Even though I couldn't quite ever get used to the idea of your 'step dad' title and probably never would, Grandpa suited you well.

Goodbye.  Is this really happening?  I know you have been miserable lately and many times even expressed how you were 'ready anytime', it doesn't make this goodbye any easier.  We know you have been in pain.  We know this is not how you imagined your golden years.  We know a life without ketchup and McDonald's just wouldn't have been a life you would have wanted.

We are saying goodbye because we have to, not because we want to.