This is the time that I arrived home tonight. I went to dinner with my dad and my sisters after work to celebrate my dad's birthday. I went to the resturaunt straight from work today without stopping home. This is one of the disadvantages to living 25+ miles away from where the rest of the family lives. I would be in the area and it didn't make sense to go all the way home to come all the way back.
It hit me tonight that I was coming home so late that I wasn't going to see my girls because they would already be sleeping by the time I got home. As I thought about this during my drive home, I started crying. I missed tucking them in. I missed sitting on the couch rocking Hailey to a state of relaxation before she would get set in her crib. I missed carrying Hannah up to bed and letting her pick out the Nuk that she was going to use to put her to sleep tonight (NO comments about the Nuk..I know, I know). I missed hearing about Hannah's day. I missed dinnertime with them. I missed the evening of January 4th, 2010. There is only one January 4th, 2010 and I missed it.
I haven't decided yet if it makes me a good mom because I want to spend every waking moment that I can with my children or if it makes me pathetic because 18 years from now (I know, it will be sooner than this) I am going to wake up and see that my daughters have grown up and they don't want to spend every moment with me anymore.
I have to admit it scares me a little. It scares me to think that I would miss out on anything that happens in their life but at the same time, it scares me to think that I would never leave the house again so that I don't have to miss anything, not even one dinner or tucking in. I feel nervous about making plans that take me away from my family. I get anxious and sick to my stomach some days when I think about going out with some friends or being gone away from the house. I must mention that this has NOTHING to do with my husband watching the kids. He is amazing with them and they need alone time with daddy too and of course I miss him when I am gone but he understands (and he waits up for me :-)
I know that it is healthy for me to have some 'me time' and that in the end it makes me a better mother but what if I don't want 'me time'? What if I want to be with my family and my kids all the time, every moment? What will happen to me? Will I lose myself? Years from now am I going to look back and wonder who I am and what I like to do? I guess only time will tell...
2 comments:
you hit the nail on the head.
oh, and now i'm crying. at work.
thanks.
:)
I relate totally to this. I used to marvel at people who needed to get "away" from their kids. I guess that's one reason why we spent so much time doing things with friends who had families and we would go to each other's houses dragging you kids so we could play cards and games, etc., while you played with their kids. I was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-Mom and wish you could enjoy that luxury, too. I felt like I couldn't miss any of the milestones! I realized later, though, that I had been so perfectly content and happy about being your MOM that I had lost some of my own identity and didn't quite know who Chris Miller, the person other than your mom, was. Just enjoy them while you can, because, it is true, they will be grown up so soon!
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