Thomas J Miller 1948-2017

Today is Tom's funeral.

My mom had quite the week getting ready for today. 

Last week I called to Mary Rodriquez to let her know what was going on.  My mom needed a friend right now.  She needed someone who could spend time with her and someone she could share her feelings with.  Mary didn't even hesitate.  She was at the hospital with her and the day Tom passed she spent the day with my mom and then helped through the process of planning for today.

Tom's brother-in-law and cousin were also there and very helpful but it felt so nice to know that my mom had someone on her side there.

She spent many days with Amy, Kyle and Kelly trying to make decisions and plans.  She was trying to grieve and at the same time trying to make everyone happy.

She was constantly worried about what everyone would think and whether she was meeting everyone's demands.  Mary was a Godsend and I will forever be grateful for her this week.

I needed to do something but I wasn't really the right person to plan the funeral or make those arrangements and there were plenty of opinions and ideas already being thrown around.

So I offered to make the picture boards for her.  She wasn't sure if Tom's kids were doing any and if they were, they probably didn't have most of the pictures that we did.  So, I went to mom's and grabbed some pictures from Tom's photo albums.  I scrolled through Facebook and pulled off some favorites.  Tom's daughter, Amy, had some concerns through the process about using too many pictures from recently when Tom was sick or looking sick. 

From my perspective, that was Tom.  That was how we knew Tom.  He was sick for most of the time that we spent with him.  We have known him since we were kids but the most significant time we spent with him has been in the past 9 years.

Looking back now, I can finally understand where Amy was coming from.  That was HER dad.  That is NOT how she remembered him or how she wanted others to remember him.  I can't imagine when the day comes, having to make those decisions.  A simple, 'just-use-this-picture' decision won't be such a small decision.  She felt like this will be the last picture people may look at to remember her dad.  The next time they think about him, this maybe the picture they put in their head to remember.  I can see where she is coming from.

Even though that was a part of Tom's life, those are not the parts that she wanted people to remember.

She wanted people to remember how funny he was.  It was important to her that people knew he was a great father, grandpa and brother.  She wanted everyone to know he loved dogs, he was a kid at heart and through it all never stopped loving his toys. 

Tractors, cars, boats- you name it, Tom loved it!

When we arrived this morning, we started getting things set up.  There were so many flower deliveries!  My mom brought some of Tom's things to display as well.

There were so many familiar faces coming through the doors. Friends, neighbors, coworkers, aunts, uncles, and family.  It was nice to see so many of these people that I hadn't seen in years!

My mom wrote a letter that the pastor read during the service.  She talked about Tom, his love for McDonald's, the sweet things he would say or do, the fact that he loved his kids and grandkids more than anything.  She did a wonderful job and I admire how much strength that must have taken to do.

After the service there was a luncheon downstairs at the church.  McDonald's had dropped off a ton of Apple Pies, one of Tom's favorites.  Seemed appropriate :-).

 

At the end of the day it didn't seem fair that I got to get in a car with my husband and my family and go home to 'normal' and today my mom would go home alone.  This is her new normal.  The next few months will be filled with cleaning out Tom's things, filling out paperwork, notifying doctor's offices that Tom won't be back, 'cleaning up' from the life they had together.

It's heartbreaking.