First Trip Without Tom

We were all finally able to make it up to the cabin this weekend.

This year we have had so many other activities on the weekends that we haven't had too many weekends here yet.

As soon as we checked in tonight, Hannah got busy making a note and setting up a memorial.

How sweet.

We moved him around a few times but there was always a seat left open somewhere for him.

We Interupt This Program....

No wonder it takes us so long to get out of the house in the morning.

Hailey is supposed to be in the pantry grabbing a drink for her lunch.

She had the door halfway shut and was in there for a while, when I went to check on her she was finishing her breakfast and watching YouTube. 

Season End

 Another fun season of softball is over.  The girls had a decent record and most of all they had fun.

Every girl improved throughout the year and they all got along and played well together.

I made them water bottles for our end of the year party.

Now, off to our night of pizza and water games!

 

Quick Trip

Today I was at a baby shower for Kim, this time Joe's side of the family.

Brian and the girls ran up to the cabin for the day and Hannah was sending me Snapchats of her day.

Looks beautiful there today!

A Note of Thanks

Today Brian got a card in the mail from Grandma.

Dear Brian,

Want to thank you for all of your tender 'help'.  I'm not very good accepting help yet even if I do need it.   I still don't know if that walker helped or not.  I've got to make myself accept help when offered.

I did appreciate you.  Your family and we love you

Love, Doris

He really was great at the funeral, while the rest of us were worrying about our mom or ourselves he was helping with grandma.  It's hard to remember how fragile she is sometimes.  She still seems so strong to all of us that we often forget that she needs assistance.  Sweet of her to acknowledge him.

Soccer Legs

The girls get so sweaty at soccer. Tonight Hailey was cracking up at her soccer legs!

We had a little Ladies Night gathering at Katie's tonight to celebrate Kami's Bday.

It was fun hanging out and playing pool- Ladies Only style on a school night.

Thomas J Miller 1948-2017

Today is Tom's funeral.

My mom had quite the week getting ready for today. 

Last week I called to Mary Rodriquez to let her know what was going on.  My mom needed a friend right now.  She needed someone who could spend time with her and someone she could share her feelings with.  Mary didn't even hesitate.  She was at the hospital with her and the day Tom passed she spent the day with my mom and then helped through the process of planning for today.

Tom's brother-in-law and cousin were also there and very helpful but it felt so nice to know that my mom had someone on her side there.

She spent many days with Amy, Kyle and Kelly trying to make decisions and plans.  She was trying to grieve and at the same time trying to make everyone happy.

She was constantly worried about what everyone would think and whether she was meeting everyone's demands.  Mary was a Godsend and I will forever be grateful for her this week.

I needed to do something but I wasn't really the right person to plan the funeral or make those arrangements and there were plenty of opinions and ideas already being thrown around.

So I offered to make the picture boards for her.  She wasn't sure if Tom's kids were doing any and if they were, they probably didn't have most of the pictures that we did.  So, I went to mom's and grabbed some pictures from Tom's photo albums.  I scrolled through Facebook and pulled off some favorites.  Tom's daughter, Amy, had some concerns through the process about using too many pictures from recently when Tom was sick or looking sick. 

From my perspective, that was Tom.  That was how we knew Tom.  He was sick for most of the time that we spent with him.  We have known him since we were kids but the most significant time we spent with him has been in the past 9 years.

Looking back now, I can finally understand where Amy was coming from.  That was HER dad.  That is NOT how she remembered him or how she wanted others to remember him.  I can't imagine when the day comes, having to make those decisions.  A simple, 'just-use-this-picture' decision won't be such a small decision.  She felt like this will be the last picture people may look at to remember her dad.  The next time they think about him, this maybe the picture they put in their head to remember.  I can see where she is coming from.

Even though that was a part of Tom's life, those are not the parts that she wanted people to remember.

She wanted people to remember how funny he was.  It was important to her that people knew he was a great father, grandpa and brother.  She wanted everyone to know he loved dogs, he was a kid at heart and through it all never stopped loving his toys. 

Tractors, cars, boats- you name it, Tom loved it!

When we arrived this morning, we started getting things set up.  There were so many flower deliveries!  My mom brought some of Tom's things to display as well.

There were so many familiar faces coming through the doors. Friends, neighbors, coworkers, aunts, uncles, and family.  It was nice to see so many of these people that I hadn't seen in years!

My mom wrote a letter that the pastor read during the service.  She talked about Tom, his love for McDonald's, the sweet things he would say or do, the fact that he loved his kids and grandkids more than anything.  She did a wonderful job and I admire how much strength that must have taken to do.

After the service there was a luncheon downstairs at the church.  McDonald's had dropped off a ton of Apple Pies, one of Tom's favorites.  Seemed appropriate :-).

 

At the end of the day it didn't seem fair that I got to get in a car with my husband and my family and go home to 'normal' and today my mom would go home alone.  This is her new normal.  The next few months will be filled with cleaning out Tom's things, filling out paperwork, notifying doctor's offices that Tom won't be back, 'cleaning up' from the life they had together.

It's heartbreaking.

These Pictures Tho

My girls.

All I have wanted to do lately is spend time sitting with them. 

Life is short and unpredictable.

I love this picture of Hailey looking like my little monkey.  She has such great expressions and I love how her expressions fit the part so perfectly :-)  This kid has such a great personality and such a great sense of humor.  She's not a class clown type but she can always make us laugh.

This picture of Hannah....I hate that I love it so much.  She looks so gorgeous in this picture, makes me kind of sick.  She's only 9! 

I hope these two know how much we love them.  I hope they know how much I think about them.

When I am having a bad day or a rough time, I scroll through pictures on my phone and look for pictures of them.  When pics like these pass by it immediately changes my mood and I can't help but smile. 

This Could Be Life Changing

Look at this fridge!

I love the look of stainless but it is so hard to keep clean.

I have tried different wipes, cleaners and rags but nothing ever really seems to get it very clean or keep it that way.

I have recently started using some Norwex products and I think I am hooked!

This is water and the Enviro Cloth.  What I love the most is that you can just wipe the appliance down, however you want.  Don't worry about following the same direction or whether you are wiping in lines or circles.  Just wipe it down and then for extra shine use the purple window cloth and then get your sunglasses out!  This baby is SHINY!

One Sweet Day

 

She made it just in time this morning.  Mom hadn't set an alarm but she woke up around 7 am and went straight to the hospital.  She arrived 'as it was happening'. 

All of this still seems so unreal.

A group of neighbors, Loriann and I had tickets to Boyz II Men and New Kids on the Block tonight.

It didn't feel 'right' to be going to the concert but at the same time, it's not like I have anything I can do here. Just like I wanted the girls to 'escape' all of this last night I felt like I needed to do that too,

 

I have seen Boyz II Men a few times.  I have been listening to them since the early 90's.  When we were just kids.  Everytime I see them I am surprised at how happy it makes me to hear them sing my favorite songs: Motownphilly, I'll Make Love to You and End of the Road are my absolute favorites!

As soon as they started singing  'One Sweet Day' the tears started flowing down my face. 

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One Sweet Day

Jennie was here tonight too.  As soon as they sang that verse for the first time I had to text her- partly so that I could get my mind off the song and maybe distract myself from the moment.

The text I got back from Jennie was confirmation that she too was in tears, that didn't help.

Soon it was time for NKOTB- clearly the group everyone was here to see.

The crowd LOVES them and goes WILD over them.  It's kinda crazy to think all these grown women are still so into these guys. 

They put on a great show and for a few hours gave me the escape from reality that I needed.

**Blog Title and some photo credit to Jennie DeLisle- couldn't help myself

Rough Day

Today the girls stayed home from A Plus and we went to the hospital to say goodbye to Tom.

Hailey made him a card, it was so sweet.

The girls had a real tough time.

Tom was their Grandpa.  I never referred to him as their grandpa.  I never told them to call him that but I also wasn't going to stop them from calling him that either.  Honestly, it was weird for me. 

The whole relationship from the beginning was weird for me.  But their relationship with him has nothing to do with me. 

My heart breaks for them and I wish I knew how to support them through this.

They understand what is happening and even though I had gone back and forth on whether or not they should see him like this, I am so glad I brought them.

Hannah's team had a game tonight and since we know that Kelly isn't in town yet, we decided that the girls should have some type of 'normal' in their life right now.

I am not sure that was the best call.  Hannah was clearly upset and Hailey spent most of her night crying.  It was hard to think about or focus on anything other than that hospital room and my poor mom who is having to say goodbye to her husband.

After the game I got my family settled at home and I decided I needed to go back to the hospital.  Kelly had made it home and tonight would be the night.  They decided not to wait any longer and soon they would be turning off all of the machines.

All of Tom's family was there and even though my mom was there with them, I felt so bad that nobody was there with HER.

I called Jennie on my way and offered to come and get her and without any hesitation she decided to go with me. 

When we got to the hospital they had already unhooked all of the machines. Tom was taking his last breaths on his own.  They were shallow and quick but they were still happening.

We sat there for a few hours until a nurse came in to tell everyone that sometimes these things can take a few days.  Tom's breaths are pretty strong and it could be a while.  She suggested that everyone go home to get some rest.  Jennie and I went home with mom, one of us driving her van.

When we got her home we went inside to help her get settled.  We tried to help her find some of the documents and insurance policies that she knew she would be asked for.

It was well after midnight when we finally left her, which felt 'wrong' but Jennie stayed with her last night and she assured us that tonight she would be ok alone.

I hope she can get some sleep...

One Moment Changes Everything

It's all a little blurry.

I was sitting on the porch, assuming the position when I got a text from my mom.

"Tom just collapsed at Panda Garden. Paramedics are taking him to St. Johns. I just got here. Waiting for them. Don't know if it was a stroke or diabetic coma????? Or what! Pretty scary."

I remember being worried but not feeling panicked yet.  Tom has been to the hospital before.  His diabetes is not in control, he doesn't have the best balance.  Poor guy.  I am sure they'll get things under control and he will go home later tonight.

For the next hour there was a flurry of communication.  Texts and phone calls.  With my sisters, my mom, my grandma...we were all trying to piece together parts of the story and sharing updates as we got them.  I felt helpless.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I couldn't imagine my mom sitting at the hospital alone waiting to for an update.  I was pacing the front yard unsure if I should stay here and wait or if I should get in the car and go.  Then Brian asked me, "If you were in your mom's shoes, what would you want?"  That's all I needed to hear.  Within minutes I was pulling out of the driveway on my way to the hospital.

I called my grandma on the way and asked if she wanted me to come and get her.  She had just gotten out of the shower and said that it wasn't necessary, she didn't feel like she needed to be there right now and she would see my mom tomorrow.  We hung up and within 2 minutes she called me back, "Come get me".

We pulled up and Jennie and Kristin were standing on the sidewalk outside of the ER talking to my mom.  She looked worried but more concerned that we were all being 'put out' by 'coming all this way'.  She was starving and seemed to be in shock.

We went into the family room and mom told us the whole story of how the night went. 

Tom was still unresponsive and the doctors are starting to use words like 'serious', 'life threatening damage' and 'nothing we can do'.

Turns out Tom had a stroke and they are not sensing any brain activity.

 Kyle, Amy, Tom's sister and cousin were all there too.  While talking to Kyle my heart was breaking listening to him replay and recall the moment it happened.  He describes how he could see the life leave from his eyes.  He couldn't grasp that he had just had his last interaction with his hero.

A chaplain came in and prayed with us and then they moved him up to the ICU.

The doctor came in to talk to mom, Kyle and Amy about the reality.  Tom is no longer there.  There is nothing they can do and it was time to discuss what was going to happen next.

Such a difficult decision and horrible ending to such a mundane day.

Kelly isn't able to make it until tomorrow night so they asked if they could wait until she made it home before they turned off any life saving measures.

How can this be?!

What's worse.  I don't remember my last interaction with Tom.  I don't really remember the last thing I said to him.  I'm sure it wasn't significant and would have ended the same it always does with a hug goodbye. 

How do I tell the girls?  How do I support my mom through this?

It's just all still so unreal.

While the chaplain was in the ER praying with us he mentioned that while going through this process there are really only four things you need to say.

 

1.  Thank you

2. I forgive you

3.  I love you

4.  Goodbye

Thank you Tom.  Thank you for taking care of my mom and for providing for her.  Thank you for being the company that she needed and for rescuing her during a time when none of us could.

I forgive you.  This should probably be more of a will you forgive me?  I haven't always been your biggest fan. Mainly because of the things you have said about my dad, sisters or the way you have behaved in your relationship with my mom.  I hope I was never mean to you because through it all, I have liked you.  You are a nice guy.  You are generous and do take care of those that you love.

I know we all weren't the most welcoming and didn't do the best job of showing you we actually did care about you.  I forgive you those things you said and the way you sometimes behaved.  I am sure a lot of it was just the way you had to react to the environment you were in.

I love you.  You were always so good to my kids.  I love you for taking care of my mom and giving her something she so desperately needed.  Even though I couldn't quite ever get used to the idea of your 'step dad' title and probably never would, Grandpa suited you well.

Goodbye.  Is this really happening?  I know you have been miserable lately and many times even expressed how you were 'ready anytime', it doesn't make this goodbye any easier.  We know you have been in pain.  We know this is not how you imagined your golden years.  We know a life without ketchup and McDonald's just wouldn't have been a life you would have wanted.

We are saying goodbye because we have to, not because we want to.

Snow in June?

We woke up to a storm this morning.

The rain and hail were coming down so fast that the drain in our yard was clogged.

All of the drains in all of the yards were clogged. 

At one point the water was flowing so fast through the yards.

 

The street in front was flooded.  Jeremy got a fire call and had to turn around in front of our house because he couldn't make it down the street. 

There was so much hail and after the rain was over we were all outside checking out the damage. Luckily there didn't seem to be any hail damage to the houses and both of our vehicles were in the garage.

I had to go and get Hannah from McKenzie's.  When I got there they were out of power.  Jamie said that it was pretty scary and at one point the wind blew their front door off their house!  The girls were a little scared but did good.

On our drive home we couldn't believe all of the hail in the road.  Just a mile away and you could see trees down and houses with lots of damage. 

Thankfully we must have been at the start of the worst stuff.

Bday Party Fun

 

Hannah is sleeping over at McKenzie's for a Birthday party.  They are going to the Mall of America first and then back to McKenzie's house for the night.  She always has a great time at McKenzie's and based on these pictures it looks like it was another good party!

I'm at Chloe's house

Hailey lost another tooth.

She is sleeping over at Chloe's tonight and wanted to be sure that the Tooth Fairy knew that when she comes tonight.  She was a little worried that maybe the Tooth Fairy wouldn't even come.  I assured her that if she leaves her tooth under her pillow the Tooth Fairy will come.

I was right :-)

In the Books

Today is the last day of school.

1st and 3rd grade are officially in the books.

Both girls had a good year.  They loved their teachers and still enjoy going to school everyday.

Hailey still enjoys writing and Hannah loves Math.

Bring on summer vacation!

Dankie Snaps

This Snap from Hannah made me smile today.

Just sitting in her room, on her bed, listening to music with Dankie on her lap.

Wonder when she will finally decide she's too old for that blanket....

MN Zoo Day

Today I chaperoned Hailey's class trip to the MN Zoo.

There were so many parent volunteers that we only had one other girl, Willow, with us.

We had a fun day seeing the animals, petting the goats, watching a cow get milked and visiting the Kangaroo exhibit.