"Is Amy Parmley there?"

We have an important 'Go Live' coming up at work this Wednesday so that means I have been putting in more hours than I would like to at work.  This morning I headed to work around 6:00 am and knew that I wouldn't be coming back home until close to suppertime.

Brian sent me a few pictures and videos throughout the morning so I could see what they were up to.

Around 4:00 my phone rang.

"Is Amy Parmley there?"

Me:  "Yes, this is.  Hi honey (Hannah) how are you guys?"
Hannnah:  "Good. So, um....when you coming home?  In like 40?....50?....60...?  82?  When you think?"
Me:  "Hopefully soon.  I am just going to finish up here and then I be there."
Hannah:  "Ok because we are in my room waiting for you, because we hab a surprise for you but I can't tell you what it is."
Me:  "Oh really?  I will be home soon."
Hannah:  "I have a pretty dress on with a black belt. Daddy made a huge pile of leaves and me and Hailey jumped in them.  We had pizza for lunch and I had two pieces, Hailey had one.  What did you have for lunch?"
Me: " Wendy's"
and before I could get another word in she went on and on..............

The rest of the conversation was pretty much a blur.  From the moment I heard her voice my eyes filled with tears.  I was obviously feeling the stress of my job and the needs of my children/family and although I thought I was handling it ok, it was obviously affecting me more than I even knew.  At that moment I was 29 miles from home but it felt like 29,000. 
I have been struggling lately with this whole full-time-working-mom-also-a-wife thing.  I have to work.  I am not sure in the big picture if I would actually be cut out for staying at home.  It's one thing to have a job that you can control but it's another to have a job that controls you. 

I really enjoy what I do.  There are aspects of my job that I don't enjoy.  But there are many more things that I love about it. 

One thing that I struggle with the most is that I have a need to please everyone.  I spend most days looking for a way to be a hero, make a change that will improve outcomes, help a user learn something that will change the way they do their work or help alleviate a frustration or take on 59 new things a week so that I don't have to say "No or Sorry we can't".

Along the way I have been forgetting to please myself.   It's time for me to think.
Not think in the 'I need to quit my job' sense (although I would be lying if I said that thought doesn't cross my mind a lot) but more along the lines of think about how I can change my current course.  I need to make some changes.  I will lose my mind within the next year if I don't do something different....