I am exhausted.
My head is usually spinning. I am constantly thinking about things that I need to do, things that I want to do, things that I said I was going to do and haven't done yet, things that I have started to do and haven't finished, things that I need to buy -things that we need, things that we don't need, things that I shouldn't do, things that I can do but choose not to.
The other day I was talking to my boss and mentioned to him that I have so many things on my plate and I am working on so many little projects that it gets hard to keep up some days. I had mentioned that I have been making lists and those lists are starting to get so large that they are overwhelming. He said something to me that really hit home "You can't boil the ocean. No matter how hard you try, you will never do it."
When I left his office that day, I realized that that statement does not only apply to my work life but also to my home life.
My problem is that I have so many thoughts and ideas that I get so overwhelmed with the amount of items that I end up doing nothing. I don't remember ever in my life being so unproductive.
Part of the reason is because I feel like I never sit still. I know that I am not the only person who feels like they are constantly on the run (and in comparsion-I am not as busy as others) but add to the stuff that I have to do, the fact that my mind never shuts off- I feel like I am never 'just being'.
I don't get as much sleep as I should. During the week I go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 and wake up (if by alarm and not earlier because of children) at 5:03 am. (weird alarm set...) On the weekends I will go to bed between 10:00 and 1:00 am and still get up between 5:30 and 6:30 am with the girls (Look mom, it's wake up time). Because of this, when the girls go to bed at night between 8-9 I am SO tired that I want to just sit. I want to talk to Brian, I want to watch TV, I want to blog, I want to surf the internet, etc...
I keep telling myself that I should just set some goals. Make a checklist. Tackle one things at a time. Sometimes I start it. I start by setting one or two goals of things that I want to change or be sure to do and then my mind starts going about all of the possibilities and I go from making the bed to painting the bedroom, putting up new curtains, new bedding, hanging pictures, etc (see how I work?). So, now I have new bedding, pictures to hang, but need to buy paint and curtain rods before the project can start.
I can't even begin to talk about what this means for my work-life. I currently have 1810 emails in my Inbox. You can't make this stuff up...
I need time to stand still for 7 days. 7 days where I can just catch up.
I am now having trouble thinking of how to finish this post because I am getting heartburn thinking about the number of emails that I have yet to address. I haven't even talked yet about all of the other projects and deadlines that I am working on.
I walked into the Maplewood Clinic the other day and a dear friend of mine looked at me and said "You are wearing the stress of your new job." She said it with a smile but at the same time I could hear it in her voice that really, I must look stressed out. This is part of the reason why I don't post pictures that include me on here. I don't want to be reminded of the person that I have let myself become.
My career is demanding, my kids demand a lot from me. There is not enough of me to go around AND to find anytime to do anything for ME.
What a drag, huh?
(Then I scroll up and look at this picture that I have posted and think that THIS is what it is all about. They are the only things that matter)
I can't boil the ocean. Goal for tomorrow: do not set any goals :-)
6 comments:
I like that goal!
And 1810 emails??!!!! ....there's a litte button that says 'delete'--dare you to use it :)
Oh< i wish the problem were that I just needed to delete them and can't let go. No, most of them need some type of action taken, a response is needed, a case needs to be logged, or they haven't even been opened...*sigh*
gulp, you sound way too busy. i don't think i am that busy at all, but i hear you, because i also don't like who i've let myself become with this job, and all the time and energy it takes from me, and then the feeling i get at the end of the day of not being productive. i am looking forward to panama if only because I will just get to sit and listen to others, and have NOTHING to prepare. but i hate this stressed out feeling and decided that i need to get away from it. life is TOO short, you CAN'T boil the ocean, and multitasking is NOT a quality i want to have (i get a lot of blah done when i multitask, rather than wowee-s when i actually spend time on something). It actually has been proving that multitaskers do not get as much done, and the quality of their work goes down, and in learning the research shows that everyone needs down time and individual time and brain resting time to really capture new learning (this would apply to a new job), so why multitasking and rush rush rush is such a desirable quality for some people is beyond me.
Ok, i'll stop now. you have things to do!
my prayer for tonight, Dear Lord, please don't ever let my work inbox get to 1810 msgs.
at least in the summer once you get home you have a few hours of daylight to spend outside with the kids! i really really envy that.
I think you and Brian need a date night. Just the two of you so you can relax. Bring me those girls some night soon!
I hope you are able to take Tammy up on her offer. (Thanks Tammy!)She's right, you need a night for you two and to try to enjoy each other's company and to relax....but then, you will probably spend the whole time worrying about what is in your inbox and how you are not getting stuff done. I heard Delilah tell someone last night on the radio that if it is helping others, but hurting you....it is really NOT helping!!
Made me think about how I used to try to help a certain person (no names)all the time and she would take advantage of me and get my blood boiling and even though I thought I was helping her by giving her a place to crash, I was being an enabler and it was NOT good for my health, life attitude, etc. Please realize how much stress can affect your health and take care of my girl, Amy, so she can be her best for her husband, and girls. I realize the job is important and has tons of responsibility, but just do what you can and quit trying to be "Superwoman"!! Love you!! Sorry, I don't mean to lecture, but you started it with "You can't boil the ocean"! At least, your boss is aware of that fact which means he does not expect miracles!
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